Forever and Always
by Orrymain
Summary: Sha're dies; Daniel has an apparent fling with the destroyer of worlds, and Jack fears he's lost his reason for living. Is it really the darkest before the dawn?


Forever and Always  
  
Author: Orrymain  
  
Author Email: marciastudley@comcast.net (Feedback welcome)   
  
Author Website: http://orrymain.raikiri.net/fanfichome.html   
  
Category: Slash, Angst, Romance, Missing Scene/Epilogue, Established Relationship  
  
Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D   
  
Rating: NC-17  
  
Season: 3  
  
Spoilers: Children of the Gods, Prisoners, Secrets, Forever in a Day, Past and Present  
  
Size: 69kb  
  
Written: November 24-28, December 1-2, 2003, January 5, 2004  
  
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally!  
  
Summary: Sha're dies; Daniel has an apparent fling with the destroyer of worlds, and Jack fears he's lost his reason for living. Is it really the darkest before the dawn?  
  
Notes:   
  
1) Though this story stands alone, there are references to my fan fics, "Wish Upon a Star" and "Murphy's Law"  
  
2) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Drdjlover, Suzanna, Tina, Courtney, Charlotte!  
  
  
  
Forever and Always  
  
by Orrymain  
  
"Thank you, Love, for a marvelous week. I needed it."  
  
"You earned it. Geez, Danny, you took care of me and the house as it fell apart. I certainly didn't help at all, acting like some old grizzly bear."  
  
"Yes, you did," Daniel chuckled, "I mean you did help, because you took care of me, just like you always do. I can't believe how you fixed everything. Everything," Daniel ran his fingers through Jack's hair, tenderly caressing with loving touches, "I love you, Jack."  
  
"I love you," Jack said before kissing Daniel, "I guess we should get back."  
  
Daniel was snug in Jack's arms looking out towards the lake. They had come here on the spur of the moment after a crazy weekend where everything that could go wrong, had, from a broken patio door to Jack's injured foot. But Jack had made it better, even buying his lover a new car, a very sporty 1999 Shelby-American that Daniel had dubbed his Silver Fox, just like he often called Jack.  
  
Daniel was tense in Jack's arms, and very clingy, not that Jack minded, but he knew that meant something was wrong, "Danny, what is it?"  
  
"I don't know. I feel like ... like something's about to happen that's going to be important. I don't know. Hold me, Jack. Gawd, don't let go."  
  
Daniel was trembling, which surprised Jack. His lover was strong and brave, and rarely spooked, but even before they had left home, Daniel had mentioned some strange foreshadowing of events to come. As securely as he could, Jack held the man who was his heart in reassurance.  
  
"Never," Jack kissed Daniel on the temple, "Whatever it is, we'll face it together. You know my motto. Together, you and I are unbeatable."  
  
"I hope so," Daniel said, his strange sense of foreboding causing him to frown.  
  
"Nothing will defeat us, Danny, because we love each other."  
  
"Always," Daniel spoke softly, "I wish we didn't have to go back."  
  
"You've learned to like it here."  
  
Daniel nodded, "It's so peaceful and when we're here, no one can come between us."  
  
"Danny, no one will ever come between us."  
  
Daniel was silent and, while less tense, Jack noticed Daniel holding onto his jacket, almost in desperation. His lover was worried about something, and that bore into Jack's soul. He pulled back, "Hey, look at me. No one, Daniel, will ever separate us. I love you, and I'm so not going anywhere. I'm in for the duration."  
  
"Promise?" Daniel asked, his face pleading for Jack's answer to be the one he needed to hear so completely.  
  
"Oh yeah, with all my heart," Jack leaned in for another passionate kiss.  
  
A few minutes later, Jack and Daniel got into Daniel's shiny silver car and headed back to Colorado Springs.  
  
====  
  
"Daniel, you ready?" Jack asked his lover, who was standing motionless by his locker.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
"We'll get Kasuf and the others out safely. Don't worry."  
  
Daniel wasn't really worried about Kasuf. Well, he was, of course, but that wasn't what was preoccupying his mind. He had naturally been concerned about his friends on Abydos who had been abducted, and anytime he thought about them, he would end up thinking about Sha're, and now there was the baby to think about, too. Still, his mind wasn't focused on any of them at the moment. He wasn't even sure what the issue was that gave him such an eerie feeling about the mission.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I ...," Daniel looked around, and heard the stirrings of SG-9 who had arrived back from their mission an hour or so ago, so he looked down, unable to say what he wanted.  
  
Jack sensed his lover's dilemma and smiled, "I know, Danny. Me, too, but we have to go now."  
  
Daniel nodded and followed Jack out of the locker room and down the halls of the SGC. He was unusually quiet, however, and Jack couldn't help himself. He suddenly opened up one of the doors to a storage area and pulled his lover inside, making sure to lock the door after they had entered.  
  
"Tell me."  
  
"It's just ... don't forget I love you, okay? I ... just don't forget."  
  
"Danny, we're both going to be fine."  
  
"I love you, Jack."  
  
"Love you, too, Space Monkey."  
  
"Space Monkey," Daniel repeated, "It was a perfect night, wasn't it, Jack?"  
  
"Perfect," Jack caressed Daniel's cheek remembering their first night together, "La Mio Bello Stella Cadente. Perfection."  
  
"Don't forget it. Okay?"  
  
"How could I? Danny, what's going on?"  
  
Daniel shrugged, shaking his head from confusion, unable to explain his mood, "Just ... Space Monkey."  
  
"Mine," Jack said with softness and confidence.  
  
Daniel smiled and headed out of the room. Jack followed, his concern greater than ever. Daniel always gave Jack a hard time about the use of the Space Monkey nickname, but tonight he had clung to it, just as he had clung to Jack at the cabin. What's more, Daniel had smiled, a tentative, sweet sentimental smile, one Jack loved, but it wasn't the norm, and that bothered him.  
  
They had a rescue mission to undertake, however, so Jack was forced to put his concerns aside as he led the Marines through the Stargate to bring back Kasuf and other Abydonians who had been taken from their home by the Goa'uld.  
  
As for Daniel, he remained quiet. He couldn't explain the foreboding feeling he had felt for weeks, but he just knew something was going to happen, and it wasn't going to be good. Somehow, he feared for his relationship with Jack, even though he knew things were better than they'd ever been.  
  
The two men were so in love, and with every passing day, their love grew, as did their devotion to each other. Nothing could interfere with that. Daniel was certain of it.  
  
He found himself frequently remembering the moment when he knew he was in love with Jack, recalling the instant he knew Jack still cared about him, replaying their first night together over and over. He clung to those memories, from the falling star that Jack wished upon to Jack's crazy nickname for him.  
  
"Space Monkey," Daniel thought silently as the technician dialed the gate, "I still don't know what it means. Yes, I do. It means," Daniel glanced at Jack chatting with Sam, "it means you love me, that we belong to each other."  
  
"Chevron seven locked," Daniel heard, as the Stargate did its famous kawoosh.  
  
"Okay, Campers, we're off to find the Munchkins and kill the wicked witch if we can. Everyone stay sharp," Jack said, taking the lead.  
  
Daniel allowed himself one more moment to recall the beauty of his love with Jack, to remember Jack's promise that they'd always be together, that no one would ever be able to break them up. He trusted Jack more than anyone in the world, and Jack never lied to him. He could depend on Jack's words as if they were gospel.  
  
"Then why am I so scared?" Daniel asked himself just before he walked through the Stargate to rescue to Abydonians.  
  
====  
  
The rescue mission was difficult, the Jaffa were everywhere, but finally the SGC teams were getting the upper hand. When things finally calmed, Jack looked around for Daniel, and not seeing him, he began to panic.  
  
"Carter, where's Daniel?"  
  
"I don't know, Sir. He was over there the last time I saw him," Sam pointed down the hill and then looked around, "I don't see Teal'c either."  
  
"Let's check out that tent," Jack pointed to a single tent near where the battle had ended.  
  
Jack and Sam entered the enclosure, totally unprepared for what they were about to see. Sha're was dead on the floor, Daniel sprawled out on his side next to her. Jack's heart stopped, a lump in his throat as he watched Daniel raise his hand to his wife and say, "I love you, too."  
  
Teal'c quickly explained what had happened, that Ammonet had held Daniel captive with the ribbon device and that he had been forced to shoot her with his staff weapon in order to save Daniel's life.  
  
Jack nodded, unable to speak, his eyes still glued to Daniel who had moved closer to Sha're, caressing her skin, his eyes focused only on his beloved wife.  
  
This is the moment Jack had dreaded from the moment he had brought Daniel back to Earth, the time when he had promised his friend that they'd bring Sha're home. He knew Daniel expected that to mean Sha're would be alive, and Jack had wanted that; it's what he had meant when he had made the promise.  
  
Standing there, as he watched his lover like he was watching some tragic Shakespearean play, Jack faced his own truth -- that for most of the months since that promise had been made, he had feared that the only way they'd get Sha're home, would be if she had died, and now, she had.  
  
How could he and Daniel go on with that truth staring them in the face? Jack had always known that when Sha're came home, it would mean the end of his relationship with Daniel, but he hadn't anticipated her dying.  
  
It was a contradiction within Jack's soul that shook him to his core. He knew if they got Sha're back alive, he'd lose Daniel. He had believed for the last two years that the odds on getting her back were slim, though he portrayed confidence about bringing her home anytime he talked with anyone about it. And at the same time, Jack somehow knew, if they were able to bring her through the Stargate, it would probably end in her death.  
  
"I'm a mess," Jack thought, as he realized his warring emotions, not anticipating Sha're's death and at the same time expecting it.  
  
"He'll hate me now," Jack feared within his heart and soul, "I didn't keep my promise. Look at him. He loves her. Gawd, it's over, isn't it, my sweet Angel?"  
  
Daniel's reddened face was locked on to his wife. Jack needed to give his lover time to say goodbye without an audience. He knew that from his own experience with his son.  
  
"I couldn't keep my promise, Danny, but I can at least let you say goodbye," Jack thought to himself before speaking to his teammates, though his eyes never left Daniel.  
  
"Carter, Teal'c, get a stretcher."  
  
"Sir, don't you think ..."  
  
Jack shook his head, "Go on and ... take your time ... lots of time."  
  
Sam and Teal'c exited, fully understanding the unspoken order, and Jack walked to a corner of the tent, sitting on a crate, staring at Daniel and Sha're.  
  
After several minutes passed, Daniel finally tried to sit up, looking around the tent.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"I'm so sorry, Danny," Jack said, holding his position, scared to move, not sure what Daniel needed or wanted from him now.  
  
"She's dead, Jack."  
  
"I know. Teal'c didn't have a choice."  
  
Daniel looked at Sha're, "I know. She ... she told me."  
  
Jack wasn't sure what that meant, but at the moment, he didn't feel like he needed to. Sam and Teal'c returned a few moments later. They placed Sha're's body on the stretcher as Jack helped Daniel up. Without conversation, they returned to the SGC.  
  
====  
  
As the day came to an end, Jack changed out of his BDU's and into his civvies. He glanced to the locker across the room, wondering where Daniel was. After a check of several locations, Jack finally called the gate and discovered Daniel had left.  
  
Jack felt empty and unsure of himself. He didn't know whether to go after his partner or not. Maybe Daniel deserved some privacy, he thought. But then he wondered if it was his own fear of rejection that was keeping him away.  
  
In their entire history, Jack had never let Daniel go through a single moment of pain alone. Jack closed his eyes as he stood by his truck.  
  
"Gawd, Daniel, I don't know what to do," he said aloud before unlocking the truck and taking his seat.  
  
Jack began to drive home, but he knew Daniel wouldn't be there, so he took the exit to Daniel's apartment, an apartment Daniel rarely stayed in anymore. Earlier in the year, Daniel had officially, unofficially moved in with Jack, fish and all. The apartment was a cover, something to appease the NID or anyone looking in. Daniel spent time there when Jack was out of town or in meetings, but that was all.  
  
Jack pulled into the parking area and saw the Silver Fox, confirming that Daniel would be upstairs. Jack took his time, but finally, he stood in front of the apartment door. If it was locked, Daniel would be shutting him out.  
  
Tentatively, Jack reached for the knob and turned it. It opened, and Jack let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, a breath of nervousness and of anxiety. For the first time, he just didn't know if he was right or wrong in approaching his lover.  
  
The apartment was totally dark, but after he closed the door, Jack heard a small noise, a ruffling sound. He carefully walked into the bedroom. Daniel was sprawled on the bed, his face buried in a pillow. Sha're's photo was atop the comforter on the left.  
  
Jack went to Daniel's side of the bed, and gently sat, taking his left hand to caress his lover's back and neck.  
  
"I'm here, Danny ... if you want me to be."  
  
Daniel turned over, blinked a few times, and then sat up into the caring arms of his lover. He said nothing as he settled into Jack's protective hold, his eyes staring down at the picture of the beautiful and mysterious Sha're.  
  
After a while, Daniel finally spoke. He felt safe with Jack. He felt so many things, but he was confused and angry at himself. His wife had died, and it was his fault ... at least, in his mind it was.  
  
He couldn't put it off on Jack. His lover had done all he could have asked, and more, to try and find Daniel's wife. When he boiled it down, it still came back to one thing ... Daniel hadn't kept the Stargate buried. His own need to be accessible, to maybe make contact again with Earth ... no, Daniel closed his eyes as he thought, it wasn't Earth ... he had hoped to see Jack again, this stranger who had somehow become so much a part of him in such a short period of time.  
  
Daniel's selfishness lead to Sha're's being chosen and now, to her death. In his mind, no one had more of the blame than himself. He had no right to feel safe, protected, and loved. He had no right to be in Jack's arms, being comforted. He needed to suffer, like Sha're had.  
  
"I need to be alone for a while, Jack."  
  
Without argument or discussion, Jack kissed Daniel's nape, and then looked into Daniel's eyes for a moment before getting up and quietly walking out, giving Daniel the time he had asked for. Daniel laid back down on the bed and silently prayed he would go to sleep and never wake up.  
  
====  
  
At 3 a.m., as he watched the stars shining above, Jack finished his third beer. He was surprised he hadn't had more to drink, but he was afraid Daniel might need him, and he had to be prepared.  
  
"Yeah, right. He might need me. Now, that's a laugh. I'm sorry, Danny. I guess the truth is finally out."  
  
Jack was about to reach for another bottle when a noise in the yard got his attention. He looked towards the ladder and saw his lover climbing on to the roof deck. Daniel's eyes were red and puffy. He was dressed in the same black tee he had worn home from the SGC, the chill of the night already causing goose bumps to appear on his arm.  
  
Daniel stood by the ladder, his arms folded, new tears beginning to fall. Slowly, Jack stood up and walked to his heart.  
  
"I ... I need you, Jack. I don't want to be alone anymore."  
  
Jack pulled Daniel into his arms. They went to their favorite spot against the house and sank down to the deck, holding each other close. Daniel lost all of his inhibitions as Jack gently held him, and he cried until he thought he hadn't another tear left.  
  
He told Jack every detail of the dream Sha're had given him, about the Harcesis child, the warnings, the gift of a goodbye.  
  
Finally, the younger man fell asleep as Jack continued to keep him safe from the monsters of the nightmares and demons of the past.  
  
====  
  
The next few days were long and difficult. There was the funeral for Sha're on Abydos, and a reception on Earth to allow Daniel's friends and co-workers to pay their respects, but after that, Daniel shut himself off from everyone, including Jack.  
  
He spent hours working in his office, and even more hours cleaning every nook and cranny of his apartment, but he also spent every minute evading any discussion with his lover that wasn't work related, and he avoided him as much as possible, until finally, Jack had endured all the distance he could.  
  
As they prepared for the mission to Vyus, Jack snapped his black vest closed and walked over to his mourning lover.  
  
"Daniel, we need to talk."  
  
"I don't want to talk."  
  
Daniel sat down on the bench and tied the laces to his shoes, an obvious attempt to avoid Jack's gaze.  
  
"So it's over -- just like that?"  
  
"I didn't say that."  
  
"You haven't said anything ... in days."  
  
"I just need time, Jack. Is that too much to ask?"  
  
"You've had time, Danny, but this isn't about time, this is about shutting me out."  
  
"I need ... I'm sorry."  
  
Jack nodded, "Fine. I guess you were right. It had to happen sooner or later. I let you down, broke my promise. I'm sorry, Danny ... Daniel."  
  
Jack turned, banged his locker shut and left the room, leaving Daniel to his aloneness, and the chilling sound of his name. He hadn't meant to shut Jack out, but he had no right to be happy with Jack when his wife had been abused and killed. He had cheated on her, lied to her. Daniel didn't know how to live with himself, let alone with Jack. He didn't want to hurt his lover, but he didn't know how not to either.  
  
====  
  
On Vyus, SG-1 discovered a world of inhabitants who had no memory of their history or who they were. They blamed it on something they called the Vorlix that had occurred a year earlier when an enhanced gas caused some kind of chain reaction that had affected the entire population, making them all younger and erasing their memories.  
  
The leader of the inhabitants was a pretty blonde named Ke'ra, and she immediately connected with Daniel, much to Jack's chagrin. The older man watched his lover chatting and smiling with the woman as they researched the situation of the people. His heart had broken in two, and he felt helpless.  
  
As he waited for Janet to arrive to examine the inhabitants, Jack confronted Daniel.  
  
"What the heck do you think you're doing?"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about, and if you'll excuse me, I have to meet Ke'ra."  
  
"This is more important than that, Danny. We have to talk, and I'm not going to let you put it off any longer."  
  
"She's waiting for me."  
  
"You can't even wait until Sha're's been buried a week before you go after the first girl who comes along."  
  
"Shut up, Jack!"  
  
"Why? So you'll feel better? What was I, Danny? A temporary diversion while you waited for your wife to come home, and now that she's not, we're through? I thought you were the one who always talked about loyalty and commitment? I have news for you ... Love ... you have a helluva way of being committed to someone."  
  
"You don't understand. You're wrong. It's not ... it's not like that."  
  
"It's not? Then what the heck are you doing? Explain it to me! Come on, Daniel. You're a linguist, for crying out loud. Find the words. TELL ME whatever it is you keep saying I don't understand!"  
  
Daniel only stared, as Jack got more and more riled, "What's wrong, Daniel? You're the friggin' genius. Why can't you tell me?"  
  
"I have to go," Daniel started to walk on, but Jack grabbed his arm, turning him to face him, his irrational Mr. Jealousy now taking full control, pushing the hurt and guilt aside for the moment.  
  
"Have some guts, Daniel. Tell me the truth. Was I just someone you used to warm your bed until another opportunity presented itself? Or maybe I was just some ... experiment, research of the other side, something new to study, and now that you don't need me any more to find Sha're, you are dumping me? Game over. Back to women ... to the first available one who looks at you wide-eyed?"  
  
"You don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Don't I? You blame me. That's it, isn't it? I didn't keep my promise. It's my fault, so you're going to punish us both! Or is it that you never had any feelings for me at all?"  
  
Jack released Daniel's arm, but stayed right in his face, his eyes icy cold with anger and rage, "I am so stupid. I loved you. Heaven help me, I still love you, but you were only thinking of yourself, what you could get out of it. You wanted me to save your precious wife, and now that she's gone, I'm history."  
  
Jack turned around, banging his fist against the wall, "Gawd, I'm such a fool," turning back to face his lover, "Tell me that this hasn't been some sort of game with you. Speak to me, dang it! I deserve the truth! I loved you!"  
  
Daniel was on the edge of losing it. He hated himself at the moment more than anyone. He wanted to disappear, but he couldn't.  
  
"No! Jack, leave it alone," Daniel tried to walk around his lover, but Jack again grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face him, desperation in his voice when he spoke next.  
  
"Are you sure this is what you want? Didn't we mean anything?"  
  
"You meant everything, Jack. You ... you mean everything to me. It's just ... I can't do this, not now. You have to let me go!"  
  
Daniel yanked his arm free, and took several steps backward, his face full of anguish, his heart pounding loudly, but while his heart ached for Jack's touch, his soul was crying to escape.  
  
Sha're's death was his fault. Daniel was sure of it. He had cheated on her, been unfair to her, mislead her. He had no right to be happy with the man of his dreams, so Daniel turned and ran from his heart, and instead hurried to meet Ke'ra, desperately trying not to think about anything but the moment at hand.  
  
====  
  
Jack had returned to the SGC to brief General Hammond on what they had learned, that Linea, the Destroyer of Worlds, who they had first met on the prison colony of Hadante, was responsible for the Vorlix. Janet had recommended they bring several of the inhabitants to the SGC to do some studies, to try and determine the cause of the amnesia and see if there was a cure.  
  
As he waited with the General at the foot of the ramp, Jack couldn't remember feeling sadder in his life, except for when his son had died. He watched with tormented eyes as Daniel stepped through the Stargate, holding Ke'ra's hand, smiling at her as she settled from the walk through the gate.  
  
Thinking to himself, Jack said, "Why should I be surprised? It couldn't last. I should have done more. Face it, O'Neill, you never wanted her to come back. You can't even say her name. If she had come home alive, you would have lost him to ... her ... to Sha're. You didn't do all you could, did you? So now you pay. Sweet."  
  
Giving in to the attraction and his loss, Jack suggested Daniel show Ke'ra to her quarters, wondering what might happen there. Jack turned, and escaped to his office, not really wanting to know what transpired. He was afraid if he did, he'd murder the blonde on the spot.  
  
====  
  
Sam eventually made the connection that Linea was actually Ke'ra, a fact that made Jack angry and afraid for the man who was still his heart. With the facts in hand, Jack had no choice but to inform Hammond and Daniel, who didn't take the news well at all.  
  
In fact, Daniel became argumentative, defensive, and accusatory, flaunting Teal'c's past in Jack's face.  
  
"Let me ask you a question," Daniel starred into Jack's eyes, "Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me. Could it be Teal'c?"  
  
"Sure," Jack spoke with a tone of acceptance.  
  
"Uh, Teal'c, just refresh my memory, what was your previous occupation?"  
  
"I was the First Prime of Apophis."  
  
"Right. Did a few nasty things back then?"  
  
"We see the subtle point you're trying to make," Jack spoke angrily.  
  
"No, you don't," Daniel shouted, "She is not the same person. She is not who she used to be. Let's not condemn her for who she may have been in the past."  
  
General Hammond interceded at this point, "I think it would be prudent to keep her confined to her quarters until we can resolve the Vyans' medical crisis. Colonel O'Neill, perhaps you could inform her ...?"  
  
"I'll inform her," Daniel insisted, exiting the Conference Room.  
  
Slowly, the room emptied, leaving only Jack and Sam.  
  
"Sir, I'm sure he didn't mean it."  
  
"Yes, he did, Carter, and maybe he has a right to feel the way he does. I promised him that I'd bring Sha're home. He just didn't expect me to bring her back as a corpse," Jack stood and started to leave.  
  
"Colonel, he's hurting. He needs a little time to adjust."  
  
"He's with her, Carter. We're ... through. He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with me, and I don't blame him."  
  
"I ... I have a hard time believing that."  
  
"Why? You've never understood us."  
  
"No, Sir, I haven't, but I also have never denied the love that I see between the two of you."  
  
"It's over, Carter, and I'm done. Once this mess with Linea is finished, I'm retiring. I'm recommending you to take over as the leader of SG-1. You've earned it."  
  
"Thank you, Sir, but I would just assume remain your 2IC."  
  
"No chance, Carter. I can't stay and watch him be ... with her, or anyone else. I'm out."  
  
"But Colonel, he ..."  
  
"He's made his choice, loud and clear. Geez, he's flaunting her in my face. I'm not going to hang around for the encore. I got the message and am giving him what he wants -- me ... out of his life, for good. I don't want it mentioned again. Dismissed, Major," Jack turned and abruptly left the room.  
  
That night, Jack went home for a few hours. He didn't care about protocol. He was leaving anyway, so he got as drunk as he could. He was tired of thinking about his loss. Jack's heart, his soul, and even his mind hurt like never before. He couldn't stand the pain. He needed some peace.  
  
He had spent an hour trying to beat out his frustration at the SGC, powerfully jabbing at the punching bag. Over and over again, Jack had beaten the inanimate object, trying to shut out the anguish, but it wouldn't go away. He had collapsed in front of the bag, his eyes tearing, grateful no one else was around. It was then that he had made the decision to leave for several hours before he lost control in front of the entire SGC.  
  
So he had come home, and downed a mixture of beer and Jack Daniel's whiskey, enough to at least warp the pain. He laid on the bed and prayed mercifully for sleep. His wish was granted, and for a few hours, Jack O'Neill found peace.  
  
====  
  
"Have you lost your friggin' mind? What the devil did you think you were doing standing between me and her?"  
  
"She has a right to live, Jack!"  
  
"And don't you? You know better than to do something so idiotic," Jack was close enough to kiss his aggravating lover, as he shouted at the top of his lungs, "NEVER STAND BETWEEN ME AND SOMEONE like that again. Do you hear me?"  
  
"YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND, Jack," Daniel shouted back before calming, "Besides, I was helping her. You didn't need to shoot her. We proved that."  
  
"You've lost your ever lovin' mind. You really think the Destroyer of Worlds cares about you?"  
  
"Her name is Ke'ra, and yes, I do."  
  
"Daniel," Jack continued to stand in Daniel's personal space, "She's the Destroyer of Worlds. She doesn't care about individuals, not you, not me, not anyone ... except for herself."  
  
"You're wrong, Jack."  
  
"Don't you EVER do that again, Daniel."  
  
"Jack, I couldn't let you kill her."  
  
Jack laughed mockingly, "I had the shot, Daniel. I could have taken her out, and I swear to you, had she made one move, just one, she was dead."  
  
"But you said ..."  
  
"I've said a lot of things, but you don't need to worry about that anymore," Jack was tired of the fight and turned to sarcasm, "I simply didn't want her blood splattered all over your nice clean shirt. It's a pain to get out."  
  
Jack backed off, inhaling deeply in resignation, "I'm not arguing with you anymore. You want to go with her? Go! You're free, Danny ... Daniel. You're free to go and do whatever you need to. You don't need me. It wasn't real. You've made that clear."  
  
"Jack, you don't understand."  
  
"You know. I'm really tired of you saying that. That's about the only thing you've said since Sha're died. That I don't understand. Well, Dannyboy, I think I understand more than you know. I understand that you've played me for a fool. Well, guess what? The hard-nosed Colonel fell for it hook, line and sinker. Bravo, you should be proud. Score one for the geek squad!"  
  
Jack turned and walked out of the room, slamming the door as he left. Daniel folded his arms and stood in silence, but he didn't have long to think before Sam entered his office.  
  
"Daniel, what's wrong the Colonel? He practically ran over me."  
  
Daniel shook his head, never looking at his friend.  
  
Sam sighed, "You two need to work this out."  
  
"There's nothing to work out."  
  
"He loves you."  
  
Daniel said nothing, and stood motionless, but finally he said, "He ... said I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. Do you know what he meant?"  
  
"He retiring."  
  
"What? He doesn't mean that. He can't mean that."  
  
"I think he does, Daniel. He's had enough; he wants out."  
  
Daniel walked to the cot and sat down, "Gawd, what a mess."  
  
Sam sat down next to Daniel, "Daniel, I don't know what you're going through, and I can't pretend that I do, but ... I can't believe you've fallen for Ke'ra. What I do know, though ... and I know this for a fact, based on the last couple of years, is that ... Daniel, I've never known two people more in love or more suited to each other than you and the Colonel. Whatever you're feeling, tell him. Trust him, like you always have."  
  
"I can't. You don't understand."  
  
"No, I don't, but I know he's scared. I know he's sad, and I know he feels responsible for Sha're's death."  
  
"What? He didn't kill her. He had nothing to do with it," Daniel had looked at Sam with surprise at her remarks.  
  
"He made you a promise."  
  
"Gawd, Sam. I feel so lost."  
  
Sam kissed Daniel on the cheek and took his right hand in hers, "Then trust me, as your friend. Follow your heart, Daniel, wherever it leads."  
  
"My heart?"  
  
"It'll never steer you wrong."  
  
"My heart. Jack is my heart."  
  
Daniel closed his eyes, remembering the kisses with Ke'ra, the betrayal he was responsible for.  
  
"I'm not sure I'd forgive him if the situation was reversed."  
  
"Yes, you would, because you love him. Daniel, you're grieving for Sha're, and ... I don't know what else is going on, but you never give yourself a break. Let him help you, like he always does. The Colonel always knows what to do."  
  
Daniel closed his eyes. Sam was right. Somehow, Jack had a knack of making any bad situation right, but inside, Daniel cried, knowing he had hurt this man that he loved to his center, afraid Jack didn't care about him at all anymore.  
  
"I don't think he wants to anymore. I've ... pushed him away. It's gone too far."  
  
"Come on, Daniel. You know better than that."  
  
"I betrayed him, Sam."  
  
"He'll understand. You two can work it out."  
  
Daniel shook his head, "How can he understand? I can't forgive me, Sam. What right do I have to expect Jack to ... to let me off the hook when I can't let myself off?"  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
"Gawd, yes."  
  
"Then trust him."  
  
"You didn't hear the things he said, Sam. He was cold and unfeeling, not that I can blame him. Whatever love he felt for me, I killed. I shut him out, pushed him away. I ... Ke'ra. Gawd."  
  
"Trust me. Go to him."  
  
"You seem so sure."  
  
Sam smiled, "Yeah, well ... there's not much that I'm certain of in this wacky world of ours, and even though it goes against everything I was brought up to believe in, I just can't deny what is so obvious between you and the Colonel. Give him a chance, Daniel. If you don't, you'll both be miserable for the rest of your lives, and I think you know that. What have you got to lose?"  
  
Daniel looked at Sam, and shook his head, "Nothing, because I've already lost everything."  
  
"Actually, I don't think you've lost as much as you think. Take a chance, Daniel. You've always trusted Colonel O'Neill. So ... trust him one more time."  
  
Daniel nodded, a bit of hope in his heart, and was about to speak again, but the conversation was interrupted by Janet needing Sam's assistance with the Vyans.  
  
A while later, Daniel was saying goodbye to Ke'ra and watching her go back to Vyus through the Stargate. Janet had devised a way to make Ke'ra forget, again, her past, leaving Linea as nothing but an ugly memory of the SGC. She returned to the planet, welcomed by the people as a leader who had lost her memory.  
  
Daniel turned and saw Jack standing near the door to the Gate Room. Jack smiled, gave a quick nod, and then turned around.  
  
====   
  
At his apartment, Daniel recalled the events with the Vyans, his flirtation with Ke'ra and their kisses. He remembered seeing Jack's watchful eye on him as he walked with the young woman, joking and teasing about the Vyans.  
  
Daniel replayed his behavior during the briefing, his harsh tone towards the man he loved, his challenge that Jack trusted Teal'c more than he. He recalled their run-in in the halls of the SGC when Jack had said, "Listen, I'm not saying the first woman you've fallen for since Sha're isn't a peach, but if she remembers who she is, you'll be the first to go."  
  
Daniel had hated Jack for that, for flaunting Sha're in his face, but as he stared at the walls of his apartment, he realized Jack had been right all along.  
  
He replayed the scene in Ke'ra's room, when Daniel had realized Ke'ra had taken the antidote and regained her memories as Linea. Daniel had stood between Jack and his drawn pistol, and this woman, the Destroyer of Worlds turned femme fatale that Daniel had flirted with ... and kissed.  
  
Daniel's heart sank, realizing how hurt Jack must be, and when he replayed his lover's words, and those of Sam, he knew Jack had his own pain that Daniel had completely ignored.  
  
"Gawd, I'm so self-absorbed," Daniel shouted into the air, grabbing the mail that was stacked on the counter and tossing it to the ground in frustration.  
  
"Do you hate me now, Jack?"  
  
Daniel sank to the floor, folding his head onto his knees in despair, knowing what he had to do, and yet afraid that Jack wouldn't want him, that he'd be rejected.  
  
====  
  
"Jack?"  
  
Jack was seated on the roof deck, his back to the house, his knees drawn to his chest. It was a cold night, but Jack wore a short sleeve yellow shirt with his denim jeans. His hands were clasped together in front of him as he turned to look at his lover.  
  
Daniel slowly walked to Jack and sat down in front of him, Indian style. He took Jack's hands in his, "You're cold."  
  
"I'm fine, Daniel," Jack said dispassionately.  
  
Daniel struggled to find the words he needed, but he couldn't. So he relied on their other communication, that of touch and their eyes. He held on to Jack's hands and stared deeply in his love's chocolate brown eyes, trying to say what his voice couldn't. His breathing was labored, his anxiety great. Everything hinged on being able to explain to Jack, but would Jack listen?  
  
A few minutes later, with tears falling from his eyes, the young man said, "I'm sorry. I love you so much. I've been an idiot, Jack. Please ... gawd, Jack, please forgive me. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you, Jack. I swear I do."  
  
Jack's heart began to beat for the first time that night. Daniel's hands fit snuggly into his, and his into Daniel's. It felt so right to hold them, to be caressed by them. He had seen the tears welling in his lover's eyes. He saw the truth, but he worried that he was seeing only what he wanted to see.  
  
Jack stared longer into his heart's beautiful cerulean blue eyes, the eyes that always revealed what was in Daniel's soul. No matter what, Daniel's spirit never lied. Jack knew that, in spite of what he had yelled out in anger during their battles.  
  
Jack noticed that Daniel's hands were desperately holding on to his, the caresses firm and yet needy. He looked down at them, and then up at the stars. Everything seemed so clear ... at least, everything that was truly important seemed clear.  
  
Jack didn't know why Daniel had shut him out. He knew what his own fears thought, but he didn't know if that had been the truth. He also knew that he could make Daniel suffer now. He could send him way, gain his revenge. A tiny part of him wondered if this was just another part of the game.  
  
But then he looked again into Daniel's eyes, the eyes that Jack so often got lost in. Daniel wasn't capable of lying the way Jack had accused him of.  
  
Jack had a choice, to keep himself separated from his heart, or to welcome him back. The former would mean an unfulfilled life; the latter would mean life, for without Daniel, Jack didn't exist. It was that simple, and in that moment, Jack's heart filled with love once again.  
  
"You know something, Danny? It's hard to lie to yourself when you sit here and look up at the stars. If you try, the truth slaps you in the face. I was very angry at you for shutting me out, so I battled back, the only way I knew how. I tried. Geez, I tried to convince myself that this was all about me, but it's not. It's about Sha're, and how much you loved her."  
  
"Jack, you don't understand ... and I know, I've said that a lot. Gawd, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I need you so much, so ... so much," Daniel couldn't speak anymore, his body ached in pain and remorse.  
  
Jack shook his head, and at first, Daniel was afraid that the older man was sending him away, but instead, Jack spoke quietly, "No, Danny, I'm the one who's sorry. I was jealous ... again ... and I used Sha're to try and ... I don't know, goad you. I shouldn't have done that. It was wrong, and I'm sorrier than I can say about using her in that way ... and for being the usual jealous idiot that I tend to be."  
  
Daniel's tears flowed more, the trauma and reality of the recent days taking their toll on his strength. Jack wiped away the moisture with his hands, and began to speak again, "I hope you can forgive me for ..."  
  
Jack's words were cut off by Daniel's lips, lips desperate to taste Jack's, to reunite their energies. It was a slow, lingering kiss at first, that quickly became hungry for more as Daniel urgently needed to show his partner how much he loved him, wanted him, needed him.  
  
There were no more words that night, but there was the union and communication of their bodies, grounding themselves to each other, fusing together their hearts and souls even more than before.  
  
Their lovemaking was long, passionate, and possessive, each claiming the other as their property, each willingly submitting to the other ... over and over again until they had no more energy, collapsing onto each other, the explosions within their bodies causing them to quiver and convulse for long periods of elation.  
  
When they awoke the next morning, they made love again, and as they calmed each other after, Daniel kissed his lover's chest and then listened more to the heartbeat that gave him strength.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Let's go the cabin."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"I ... I need to talk to you, some place where I know we won't be interrupted. It's important. Please."  
  
Jack tensed slightly, concerned that Daniel wanted to break off their relationship, that last night had been some kind of goodbye, but suddenly Daniel's head left Jack's chest. He looked in Jack's eyes and spoke first with his lips, a deep kiss of devotion, and then with his voice, "I'm here forever, as long as you want me. I just ... want some time with you, to tell you some things, things I should have explained a long time ago. I want you to ... to understand what you should have, so long ago."  
  
"Okay, Love. Let's go."  
  
"What about Hammond?"  
  
"He knows what you've been through. I doubt he'll refuse us. Let's take a shower and go fishing."  
  
"Oh ... yeah, fishing."  
  
"You're the one who wanted to go to the cabin," Jack teased.  
  
"But not to fish, Jack!"  
  
"Cabins and fishing go together," Jack scooted off the bed.  
  
"So do we, Jack," Daniel spoke softly.  
  
Jack looked back and smiled, "And we always will, Danny."  
  
====  
  
The first day at the cabin was light-hearted. Jack went out on the lake with his small row boat to fish, and managed to get Daniel to go along. Daniel read while Jack attempted to catch a fish, with his usual no luck.  
  
That night, they cuddled next to a warm fire, not saying much, and when they did, it was mostly chit chat about friends or even their adversaries. They made love tenderly, and fell asleep next to the fire.  
  
The next morning, Daniel awoke alone in front of the fire. He smiled, knowing Jack must have made sure the fire would continue so Daniel wouldn't be chilled.  
  
He dressed and went outside, finding his lover sitting on the grass next to the lake. Daniel knew it was time to tell Jack the truth, a truth he had kept hidden for years, something he hadn't wanted to face.  
  
He folded his arms as he walked over slowly, and taking a deep breath, he sat down slightly to the right and in front of Jack, facing him. Jack instantly knew this was the moment of truth as well.  
  
"Jack, I love you so much. The thing is ... I always have, and ... Sha're, I loved her. I loved her a lot, Jack."  
  
"I know, Danny, and gawd, I'm sorry. I promised you. I let you down. I ... I wish I could change that, that I could bring her back to you."  
  
"No, Jack, you don't understand."  
  
"Yes, I do. I said I'd bring Sha're home. I wanted to, Danny. I swear I did. But ... maybe I," Jack looked away, his own fears getting the best of him.  
  
"You did everything you could."  
  
"Did I? She was your wife, and I love you. Maybe ... crap, Danny, the hammer. We had so many chances. Maybe ... maybe we should have followed that lead up a while back, gone after Apophis. He would have led us to her. Why didn't we?"  
  
"It was too dangerous, Jack. We didn't know for sure, and we would have walked into a Goa'uld army."  
  
"That's what I said, isn't it?"  
  
Jack's voice was despondent and Daniel could see the pain and woefulness on his lover's face, the fear that he hadn't truly done all he could.  
  
"Maybe I didn't want to find her."  
  
"Jack, look at me. Look at me, Jack," Daniel used his left hand to reach under Jack's chin, turning his love's face towards him.  
  
"You did everything that was humanly possible in order to find Sha're. Everything. I saw the reports, Jack. I heard the intel. Gawd, I saw you struggling to find a way for us to get in there, to check it out, but it would have put too many people at risk. If you could have saved her, Love, you would have. I believe in you, Jack. I always have."  
  
"Maybe your faith is misplaced. Danny, I ... I always knew that when we found Sha're, when we brought her home, I'd lose you. I've dreaded it, Danny ... every moment we've been together, I've dreaded that day, but I knew it would come. I promised you. Crap, I never break my promises to you."  
  
Daniel's hands cupped Jack's face, his thumbs brushing back Jack's own tears the best he could. Daniel swallowed hard. Jack's pain was almost too much for the younger man to bare.  
  
"Jack, I love you. You were the only one who even had a chance to bring her back. But you're only human, and it just wasn't possible. Maybe it never was. You need to listen to me. I have to tell you the truth, to make you understand."  
  
"Truth?"  
  
"Gawd, I love you," Daniel leaned in and kissed Jack, a kiss of hunger and need, of want and lust, and then he closed his eyes for a moment as he pulled back slightly, his hands still caressing his lover's cheeks, his eyes staring deeply into Jack's.  
  
"When I found out that you were in love with me, I was scared, Jack. Maybe even a little freaked, but it wasn't long before I realized that all that mattered to me was that you were my best friend. Do you remember, Jack? The night we talked?"  
  
"Yes, I thought I'd lost you. I mean, my best friend."  
  
Daniel's hands slipped down to hold Jack's. They couldn't lose contact; they had to keep touching, to feel each other's life force flowing through them.  
  
"Jack, I only cared that we were together, and with each day that passed, I discovered that I didn't care that you were in love with me. In fact, I ... I liked it, Jack, and the really scary thing is ... I started to notice when someone else looked at you, and I didn't like that."  
  
"Your imagination works over time."  
  
"No, Love. You're so darn sexy. That smile of yours. It's so beautiful. You could have anyone, but somehow, you chose me."  
  
"Geez, Danny, it's the other way around."  
  
Daniel shook his head insistently, and then continued on.  
  
"On the ship, when you touched me to say goodbye, that's when I knew in my heart how I really felt. It's when I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with you. Your touch gave me life, made me want to live, and I did ... for you."  
  
"My beautiful falling star," Jack whispered, "I'll never forget that night, not ever."  
  
"Me, either. It was the best night of my life. And ... that next week, just you and me. Gawd, I felt so loved, so safe ... for the first time since my parents died, I felt ... I felt ... I ..."  
  
"Danny, it's okay. You don't have to go through all of this. I know you loved her. It's okay."  
  
Daniel shook his head, "No, gawd no, it's not okay, because you don't understand, and I need you to. I should have told you a long time ago, but I ... I didn't want to think about it. Jack, I got scared, and we broke up, and it was then that I realized that my love for you was different than my love for Sha're."  
  
"I know that, Danny. Please don't ..."  
  
"Stop," Daniel put his hand over Jack's mouth, "I need you to listen to me. Please. Stop making assumptions, Jack, because you don't know what you're talking about. Listen to me, My Love ... just listen."  
  
Daniel leaned in for a gentle kiss after he removed his hand. He ran his right hand through Jack's graying hair, and took another breath as he tried to get himself under control.  
  
"My Love, when we broke up, I thought about Sha're all the time, about the life I shared with her, how we made love, how we spent the days together on Abydos. If you hadn't come back through the Stargate, she would have been all I had known.  
  
"She was my first real love. No one before her mattered, not that there were many anyway. Sha're accepted me, made me better than I was. I did care for her, loved her. I think I would have been ... contented with her and our life together. It was ... warm and peaceful, but I thought of you every day, Jack. I wondered what you were doing and if you were alive."  
  
Daniel laughed slightly, "And when that Kleenex came through the gate ... gawd, Jack, my heart ... it began to pound. I was going to see you again, and I ... in that moment of realization, I felt more alive than I had the entire year I had been on Abydos. I wanted to see you again so much. I didn't know why; it just was."  
  
Daniel looked down, staring at the grass, a sudden silence coming over him.  
  
"What, Danny?"  
  
"I hated you, Jack."  
  
"I don't understand. You just said ..."  
  
"You walked right by me. Barely looked at me. You couldn't wait to see Skaara. I was just an afterthought."  
  
"Oh, Danny. You were the reason we were there. I was so dang glad to see you I thought I was going to burst."  
  
Daniel looked up, "But you ..."  
  
"For crying out loud, Daniel, I didn't know why I wanted to see you so much ... the sneezing geek who saved my life. My heart was pounding, too. You know me ... I had to hide it. I'm sorry, Love. I ... I didn't even know what to say to you. Yet, there were so many things I wanted to say."  
  
Daniel smiled for a moment but then he couldn't suppress a sniffle as he looked down at his hands entwined in Jack's. He smiled as he watched their joined bodies. His lover's hands were strong and full of character and life. He shivered as he let himself feel the sensation of Jack's touch.  
  
"That first week with you. Geez, we didn't have a clue what we were doing. We just ... loved each other. It was powerful, so intense. I felt things in that week I had never even imagined before ... and that's why I got scared again, and why I felt so guilty.  
  
"Jack, Sha're was gentle, loving, warm, and full of spirit. Our relationship was like that ... like a tender fire in the night, burning embers within us that bound us together. But you and I, Jack, we're all of that and ... so much more. The passion I feel, the need and want. Jack, the things you do to me, not just physically, but emotionally, you ... gawd, Jack, I don't have the words."  
  
Jack brought Daniel's hands to his mouth and kissed them, "We have all the time in the world, Danny. I love you."  
  
Daniel blinked as he made eye contact with Jack again, "And I love you. Jack, our love is ... it's like a raging fire, sometimes out of control, sometimes as gentle as what I had with Sha're, but it ... it fills me up, Jack. It ... it's inside me, all of me, in ways I can't comprehend, let alone find the words to. Gawd, how'd I ever get a degree in Linguistics?"  
  
Jack chuckled at his beautiful genius, "You try too hard, Danny. I only need to hear that you love me and forgive me for failing you."  
  
Daniel shook his head, and he was finding it hard to breathe. This was so important, and he was miserable that as a linguist he was having such difficulty. He was increasingly angry with himself for not being able to say what he felt clearly.  
  
"Danny ..."  
  
"No, Jack, I ..."  
  
"Shhh," Jack raised his hands to his lover's face and brought their mouths together for a joyful union.  
  
"You need to breathe, Angel. We're not going anywhere."  
  
Daniel smiled as they kissed again.  
  
"It's just so important, Jack, for you to hear this, to believe me."  
  
"Okay. Just remember, we have as long as it takes."  
  
Daniel nodded, and waited a minute or two before he spoke again, his voice quiet and sincere.  
  
"You're inside me, Jack, like no one else has ever been. When Sha're had the baby, I felt so guilty. I knew for sure that no matter how much I loved her, that even if I had brought her back, it would be ... we would be ... temporary. I couldn't give you up, Jack. Gawd ..."  
  
Daniel's tears were in full bloom, and nothing he could do held them at bay. His emotions were raw, the depth of his feeling beyond expression.  
  
"I made the choice, Love. I made it long ago, before I even knew I had made it. I should have told you, but I felt so guilty. I was her husband, and I was cheating on her, something I couldn't forgive myself for, and yet, I couldn't live without you, and Jack, I didn't want to, not for a second.  
  
"I should have told you. Gawd, I've let you think that you were second choice, but you never were, not from the first night we spent together. I knew it on Abydos when she had the baby. I'm so sorry, Jack. I just ... I felt so guilty."  
  
"Danny ..."  
  
"Jack ... I loved her. I swear I did, but it was never the same as us, not for a second. I chose you. I chose you so long ago. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how, and I didn't want face the truth of how I'd abandoned Sha're."  
  
Daniel closed his eyes, not caring about the falling tears or his out of control sentiments.  
  
"When she died, all the guilt came back. I didn't want her to die, and I didn't want her to die with a lie. Geez, she believed me, that I loved her and that we'd have a life together. I lied to her. I lied to her. I lied."  
  
Jack moved to sit beside Daniel, pulling his lover into his protective hold as Daniel's tears moistened Jack's neck and red plaid shirt. He wanted to speak, but Daniel was barely breathing, the words suddenly tumbling out of his mouth a mile a minute.  
  
"I ran away from you because I felt like I had betrayed her and I didn't think I could live with that. Gawd, Jack, nothing happened with Ke'ra. I swear it. Please believe me. I kissed her a couple of times, but that was all. I knew it was a lie. I'm sorry, Jack."  
  
"Shh, Danny. It's okay. I know. I understand now."  
  
"I was scared, Jack. Scared of how much I love you. Gawd, do you have any idea how much a part of me you are? It's like ... like ..."  
  
"Like we're one person, like we feel each other, like we're sharing a heart ... like our souls are tied together?"  
  
"Yes," Daniel sniffled, snuggling into Jack more.  
  
"It's a scary feeling. I'll give you that, but it's also the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. You complete me, Danny. I don't think I can breathe any more unless you're with me."  
  
"That's how I feel, too," Daniel shifted, turning out of Jack's embrace to face his lover fully, "Jack, I need you to know that you're my life, that I made the choice a long time ago. And that ... I just got scared. I love you so much, only you, Jack ... forever and always."  
  
Jack knew there was more to be said, but right now nothing was more important than reaffirming their unity. He cupped his lover's face and kissed him, "Forever and always," Jack said, his voice cracking, "I love you."  
  
Tears fell from both men as they nuzzled together on the green grass by the cabin. They didn't try to speak again for a long while. Rather, they let their tears of joy, of pain, of sadness, and of desire fall, each comforting and being comforted.  
  
After a time, they stretched out and snuggled together in their arms, their tears drying, their healing progressing. They listened to the birds chirping and to the sounds of the fish jumping in the lake, until finally Daniel chuckled.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"The fish."  
  
"What about them?"  
  
"Geez, Jack, there's so many ... but you never catch one."  
  
"I do, too."  
  
"Do not."  
  
"Do, too!"  
  
"Not!"  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"When?"  
  
"I ... don't be a wise guy, Jackson."  
  
"I love you, Jack. Forever and always, I love you."  
  
"Heaven knows, I love you too, Danny. I love you, too."  
  
Daniel's head rested on Jack's shoulder as they cuddled, his fingers reaching through the buttons of the shirt, making contact with Jack's skin.  
  
"How can you forgive me so quickly? When I came to you on the roof, you just opened your arms. I cheated on you."  
  
"I love you, Danny. There's nothing to forgive. You've gone through so much pain. You just needed time, and all you did was kiss her while you were still grieving. I don't call that cheating."  
  
"You're such a pushover, O'Neill."  
  
Jack laughed, "Only for you."  
  
Both knew they were half joking, and half serious.  
  
"I needed you. I'm not sure what I would have done if you had sent me away. You're the best part of my life, Jack."  
  
"Even when I growl?"  
  
Daniel laughed, "Even then."  
  
Daniel rolled over atop of Jack, and ran his fingers over his lover's face gently, slowly.  
  
"Hey, whatcha' doing?"  
  
"Studying my favorite artifact."  
  
"I thought you had me memorized by now."  
  
Daniel shook his head as his fingers continued to trace every inch of his partner's face, "There's so much, so many pieces, so much depth, character, richness. You keep changing. I have to know, to see you."  
  
"Hey, I'm beginning to feel old."  
  
Daniel's focus was strong, his eyes concentrating on Jack's left cheek and then his earlobe.  
  
"Danny?"  
  
Daniel sank down to rest on Jack's chest. He was quiet.  
  
"Danny?"  
  
"Shh!"  
  
After a minute, Jack asked again, "Danny, what are you doing?"  
  
"Listening to your heart. It's the most beautiful sound in the world ... your beating heart."  
  
"It's probably beating pretty fast. It's ... excited, I think."  
  
Daniel chuckled as he looked up, "Is it now?"  
  
"Um ... well, yeah. Most of me is right now."  
  
"You don't say?"  
  
"Geez, Danny, anytime you look at that way, I get ... excited."  
  
"What way?"  
  
"You know ... like I'm one of those old fossily rocks you love so much."  
  
"No such word as fossily, Jack."  
  
"So sue me."  
  
"I'd give up all my rocks for you. You're all I need. I should have told you," Daniel said, still full of regret at never having told Jack that he was first in Daniel's life.  
  
"Angel, you told me today. You've made me so happy."  
  
Daniel got a wicked grin on his face.  
  
"Okay, what now?"  
  
"Space Monkey."  
  
"That would be you."  
  
Daniel grew serious again, "I'm ... cold, Jack."  
  
Jack saw the little smile he recognized so well. The two had never forgotten the first words that they had used to communicate their united love on Jack's rooftop after they had saved the world. Sometimes, like now, they would repeat them.  
  
"I ... may have a way to fix that."  
  
"I was hoping you would," Daniel leaned into Jack, their mouths joining, their tongues teeter-tottering with each other.  
  
Their kisses grew with their passion, each trying to reach inside the other's mouth as much as they could. Moans and noises escaped from their throats as they began to get lost in each other.  
  
Jack pulled out Daniel's shirt, his hands roaming the soft skin of his love. Their heads twisted and turned as they kissed, Jack's hand reaching down under Daniel's jeans.  
  
"Love you, Jack," Daniel mouthed between kisses, his own hands going between his body and Jack's unbuttoning Jack's shirt, but as he often did, Daniel grew frustrated and ended up snapping a few of the buttons off.  
  
Jack couldn't help but laugh, "Gawd, I love you. My personal clothes buyer."  
  
"I want you. Too many clothes," Daniel kissed his lover's chest, laying a trail of wet touches from Jack's Adam's Apple down to his belly button.  
  
Daniel unfastened Jack's jeans and pulled them off quickly, removing both of their shoes and underwear. He was a man on a mission, and the disrobing was done quickly and without fuss. Daniel laughed for a moment at his clothing dysfunction.  
  
"What?" Jack asked at the sudden laughter.  
  
"Geez, Jack, I always tear your shirts, but I never seem to have a problem with anything else."  
  
"I think you just like to buy me clothes."  
  
"Yeah, that's it," Daniel teased with a kiss, and then went straight to Jack's ready-for-action length.  
  
"Geez, Danny," Jack moaned from the sudden sucking on his shaft by his lover.  
  
"Complaining?"  
  
"Oh no. Please -- go right ahead with you were doing!"  
  
Daniel smiled and return to his labor of love, his tongue flicking against the tip of Jack's shaft and then he swallowed his love whole, his tongue continuing to flick and lick against his lover, tickling and stroking.  
  
"Danny -- love you," Jack's hands were on his partner's shoulders, rubbing and caressing, his motions increasing with intensity as Daniel worked him.  
  
"We're forever ... always, Babe. Geez. Danny," Jack gasped as the sensations his lover was creating on his body.  
  
Daniel was so focused on Jack, on making him feel extra special. His tongue teased and played until Jack came, his release filling Daniel's mouth as he swallowed.  
  
"What you do to me, Love."  
  
"I love you so freakin' much, Jack," Daniel said as he moved up to kiss his soulmate.  
  
"Need you ... want you now."  
  
"You're mine, O'Neill."  
  
"Better believe it, Jackson. Unbeatable."  
  
Their passion flamed.  
  
"Geez, Jack, not again."  
  
Jack wanted to laugh, but managed only a raspy "We need to start carrying it in our pockets."  
  
"I'll ..."  
  
"Oh, no you don't. Now, Danny. Now," Jack planted a sultry kiss onto his love, a kiss that demanded action now, lube or no lube.  
  
Daniel moved slightly to position himself, and then quickly inserting a finger inside Jack who sighed loudly, and then spoke insistently, "Just do it, Danny. I want to feel you right now."  
  
Daniel entered Jack and slowly began to move inside him. As he did, his body gaining more and more force, Jack found himself strangely studying his lover as he moved his body. It was a bit surreal, but then, Jack and Daniel were rarely normal, even with their lovemaking.  
  
"Gawd, you're so beautiful," he uttered, his brown eyes locked on to Daniel's sweating face.  
  
"Jack ... forever ... us?"  
  
"Oh yeah, Angel ... forever," Jack gasped as his breathing began to match Daniel's own labored efforts, their bodies rocking with motion.  
  
Jack's fingers buried themselves in the blades of grass as Daniel's shaft pounded against Jack's prostate. The pace was fast but steady, each impact causing Jack's body to fill with electricity. Jack arched up to give Daniel as much access as possible, his legs hooking somewhat around Daniel.  
  
"You're mine, Jackson," Jack shouted.  
  
"All mine, O'Neill," Daniel gasped, his body approaching its limit, "Mine -- never leave. Never."  
  
"Never," Jack repeated as their healing continued via the melding of their bodies.  
  
"Jack ... love ... love you," Daniel said he reached climax, exploding inside his partner, his body convulsing as he sank down to his lover's chest.  
  
"Whoa ... Danny ... Sweet," Jack gasped, his own body quivering from the explosion inside him.  
  
The two men held on tight to each other as their breathing calmed, but Daniel found he was unusually emotional, "Forever, Jack. Tell me."  
  
"Always, Danny. Just you and I. We don't need anyone else."  
  
"I loved her, Jack. I swear I did, but I never felt like this with her. Never felt so ... so much a part of her like I do you," Daniel sobbed, his tears washing against Jack's chest.  
  
"Angel, it's time to let go."  
  
"I lied to her. Gawd, Jack, I would have hurt her so much if she had lived."  
  
"No. Danny, listen to me," Jack spoke, ignoring the soreness of his body, rolling them over so that Daniel was prone on the grass and he was looking into the blue eyes he treasured so much, "Sha're was strong. Remember that first night back on Earth, how you told me about grinding the flour and how Sha're wouldn't take any of your guff?"  
  
"She wouldn't," Daniel sniffled, "She never did."  
  
"She had spirit. You've always told me that. Danny, if you and I are meant to be together, and we are, then out there somewhere, there was someone special waiting for Sha're. You have to believe that, or you'll go crazy with guilt."  
  
"But I would have hurt her. She believed that I loved her, that we'd always be together. Jack, she would have been so hurt."  
  
"For a while, but then that strength and spirit would have kicked in. You can't second guess yourself, Angel. You did the best you could. We both did."  
  
"Sha're wasn't your responsibility."  
  
"No, but Sara was," Jack moved off of his lover and sat up on the grass.  
  
Daniel blinked his eyes, hating himself for once again making everything all about himself. He sat up and placed his arms around Jack's neck, his hands rubbing Jack's torso, his fingers playing with the chest hairs he found so very sexy.  
  
Daniel leaned his head against Jack, "I'm sorry, Jack. I wasn't thinking."  
  
"It's okay, Love. Danny, I have to believe that Sara has finally found someone who could love her the way she deserves to be. She's moved on, finally, and this guy, he sounds like he makes her happy. I hope he does, because I certainly didn't."  
  
"You were happy ... before ..."  
  
"Yes, we were. I loved her, Daniel. I mean, I really loved her. I didn't marry her because I was expected to or obligated to. She's an incredible woman, and I knew she was exceptional the first time I laid eyes on her. I fell in love with her, but as I much as I loved her, it doesn't compare with what I feel for you."  
  
Jack leaned his head back to kiss Daniel briefly, "I treated her shabbily at the end. All I did was sit in Charlie's room and stare at the walls for days on end. She tried everything, and I ... I just ignored her. She tried to get me into counseling. She tried giving me space ... tough love. She suggested we go away for a while. Danny, she did way more than most would to try and keep us together, but I shut her out.  
  
"I didn't blame her for leaving, but I knew I had failed her. I can't forget what I did to her. She thought we would always be together, and I let her down, and for a long time, I wasn't sure either one of us would survive."  
  
Daniel kissed the back of Jack's shoulder as he continued to caress his lover's chest, holding on with all the love he could. He had never realized that Jack harbored such guilt feelings, but now he could see the pain, a pain they both shared for the women in their lives.  
  
Jack turned his body towards Daniel, "Don't you see? Sara is strong, just like Sha're. She hurt for a long time, but in the end, she's found someone who can finally bring her a peace and happiness she could never have had with me. Danny, you have to believe that Sha're would have found that someone, too, because I know in my heart, that you and I belong together."  
  
Daniel nodded, whispering, "Forever. I just wish I knew she understood. I didn't want to lie to her."  
  
"You gave her hope. She knew you wouldn't stop trying to free her. After she had the baby, she saw us in the temple, and she said nothing. She was that strong. Faith, Danny. She had that because you gave it to her. I wish I had known her better."  
  
"She was special."  
  
"You loved her. She had to be, but I don't think she ever really liked me very much."  
  
Daniel moved to rest his head against Jack's shoulder, feeling a need to be held, and Jack obliged.  
  
"She knew ... I think."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I talked about you all the time, wondering what you were doing, and after I found the Cartouche, I spent most of my time there. She hated that. I would say that I wished I could show it to you, explain it, and she'd get angry. You're all we ever fought about."  
  
"Sorry ... I think," Jack said, not sure how to interpret Daniel's comments.  
  
"It's why she was so standoffish with you. You were ... competition. No one else was, and she knew that. I think she knew there was something deeper between us, even if we didn't."  
  
Jack placed a kiss on Daniel's temple as they both looked out on the waters of the lake. They'd shared so much in the last couple of hours, things they had rarely if ever even allowed themselves to think about. They were tired and emotionally drained, and yet, there was a peace within each of them that was calming and warm.  
  
"Jack, we need to let them go, don't we?"  
  
"Yes. And that means we need to stop asking 'what if' all the time."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"And I love you, my beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, yummy Angel."  
  
"Geez, Jack."  
  
"What?" Jack asked with surprise as he watched Daniel turn all shades of red.  
  
"You say the craziest things."  
  
"I love to see you get all flustered," Jack kissed his lover's nape, and then shifted, "and I love to do this," Jack began to tickle his lover in all of Daniel's most ticklish spots.  
  
"Jack ... gawd ... oh geez ... Jaaaaaaaack," Daniel was rolling in laughter, his smile huge as Jack continued his loving assault.  
  
Over the years, Jack had been pleased to realize just how ticklish Daniel was, and at the perfect moments, Jack had never hesitated to give his lover the gift of laughter, and this was one of those times.  
  
"Oh ... stop ... Jack ... love you ... oh ... love you so freakin' much," Daniel laughed, his attempt at getting Jack to stop only half-hearted.  
  
Three minutes later, Jack figured it was enough and slowly stopped his fingers. He watched Daniel calm, the smile still on his face, and then their eyes connected.  
  
"How do you always know?" Daniel asked, the need for laughter having been real and yet he hadn't a clue that he had needed it until Jack's tickling attack.  
  
"Because you're part of me, and forever and always, Danny, I love you."  
  
"Forever and always, Jack, I love with all my heart, with all of me."  
  
The two kissed and continued their healing. They would spend four more days at the cabin, laughing and crying, remembering and letting go, and by the time they returned to Colorado Springs, they had released their demons.  
  
"I'll never forget her," Daniel had said one night.  
  
"Neither will I," Jack added truthfully.  
  
"Forever and always," both said at the same time as they smiled and made love yet again, a love now freer, stronger, and more vibrant than ever before!  
  
~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~ 


End file.
